Edward I gives way to his loser son

Thirteen seven is when he died

And now it was son Edward’s turn:

A somewhat ineffectual king

Who lost the plot at Bannockburn

(Along with Scotland, truth to tell)

He lost his queen’s support as well.

She left him for another man:

The two then made a cunning plan

That cut King Edward down to size,

And also led to his demise.

Edward II

Edward II was a weak, pleasure-seeking king. He had a number of male favourites at court and this was much resented by his nobles.

He wasn't much good on the battlefield, either. He reluctantly led an army into Scotland to fight Robert the Bruce who had been cunningly reconquering the country by stealth. But Edward's army was ill-disciplined and badly led and the battle that ensued - the Battle of Bannockburn -  is considered to have been the worst defeat sustained by the English since the Battle of Hastings.

This lacklustre reign had a fittingly insalubrious and squalid ending. Edward's French wife Isabella formed a liason with a Roger Mortimer and the two began plotting against the king. They successfully invaded England, mainly on account of the fact that Edward had few supporters left. The king was imprisoned and was probably ignominiously killed by agents working for Isabella and Mortimer.

A new king cometh in 1272

So now we come to Edward One,

Henry’s tall and feisty son.

A contradiction of a King

Good at nearly everything

A warrior of no mean skill

He bent the rebels to his will.

His law reforms were all good news

But Edward’s treatment of the Jews

Was actually a shaming blot:

He fleeced them, killed some, took their jobs

And in the end threw out the lot.

But Eddie had a softer side

And when his first wife Ellie died

He felt it was a crying shame

And built some crosses in her name.

Some of these we still can view:

Charing, Waltham: that’s just two.

Edward I - or Longshanks as he was known

Edward I was a bit more interesting than his rather dull father, Henry III. He was named after Edward the Confessor - his pious father's hero. Edward was a bit of an empire-builder who was highly successful in battle. He waged war against the Welsh and the Scots and built several castles in Wales.

Edward I seems to be a mass of contradictions. He was temperamental but authoritative; respected and feared but not liked; tough but sentimental. For example, he commemorated the life of his first wife, Eleanor, with a series of crosses erected in her name. But his treatment of the Jews was brutal: he expelled them from his kingdom.

Henry III: a bit on the dull side

So, where to start with Henry Three?

A dull and pious king was he:

Religious and an austere dresser,

Fan of Edward the Confessor,

Protagonist in several fights

With one of his most noble knights

His name: de Montfort, Earl of Leicester:

What followed was a royal tester.

At Lewes the two men did their thing

But Henry came off second best,

So Montfort commandeered the King

And placed him under house arrest.

Then Henry launched a second test

And things became a little heated:

After fighting further west

At Evesham, Simon was defeated.

Henry reigned till 12 Seven Two:

By then another king was due.

King John's reign

When Richard died in ‘99

His brother John was next in line.

Lustful, scheming, cruel and mean

He lost us France and swapped his queen

And kept the nobles in their place.

His taxes were a real disgrace

And soon the Pope was on his case -

Though King John didn’t give a bean.

Not a well-liked king was John,

His evil deeds go on and on.

He likely killed his brother’s son,

Alienated everyone,

Pocketed the people’s dosh

And lost the Crown Jewels in the Wash.

Yes, John was bad and times were tough

And soon his men had had enough.

They made him sign a royal charter

AKA: The Magna Carta

Reluctantly he did the deed

In 1215 in Runnymede.

Within a year King John was done

And then the throne went to his son.

King John the Bad

King John, as the AA Milne poem goes, was not a good man. He appears to have been Henry II’s favourite son but all signs point to him being devious, calculating and self-serving. He turned against his father at the end which according to some historians, broke Henry's heart and helped to finish him off. He then tried to usurp his brother, Richard I. When the Lionheart was being held to ransom on the continent, John colluded with King Philip II of France in an attempt to keep him there since he wanted the crown for himself. When John did eventually secure the crown, he promptly lost it, as we shall find out.

During his reign King John probably had his nephew, Arthur, killed since the boy threatened his position. Unlike Richard III, however, he did so many other bad things that this act has mostly been forgotten. He managed to cheese off his barons and his subjects - and even the Pope who ex-communicated him over a row about who would become Archbishop of Canterbury. He married twice but had plenty of high-born mistresses, and this shocked his people. And to raise money he taxed everything and everyone including the Jews; anyone who wanted to avoid military service and any widows who preferred to stay single.

After John had managed to lose Normandy, the barons rose up against him and made him sign the Magna Carta at Runnymede. This basically limited the rights and privileges of the king. But John did not even attempt to stick to its terms and in the ensuing wars and skirmishes he managed to lose the Crown Jewels when crossing one of the tidal estuaries that empty into the Wash.

Not an auspicious reign, then.